Vespa Meets Bathtub or French Girl Falls For Italian

Because the bathroom is the place that you want to be on the go and a Vespa/Bathtub hybrid is the way of the current future. Tex Avery foretold this exact vehicle in his not-at-all-sexist cartoons...or something. What he didn't know was that in the future Gigi would actually become an Italian name, not French. This mirror/decoration combo is a study of what futurologists call, "Inventions coming true that people predicted but not in physical form just in representation." There's a thesis on it. Google it.

This Thing was So Gigantic...

Because cows make ice cream and should be thanked profusely with 2 feet tall lifelike models! This is the perfect addition to any guest room.

There is Never Not a Time to Express Java Appreciation

Because there are some people whose lives revolve around coffee. They dream about it. They talk about it. They always think of ways to make it more a part of their life. So imagine if there was like a mug that doubled as a votive holder-- WAIT!!! You don't have to imagine it! It's real! It exists! It's glorious! You can put it on a coffee table and just smile and laugh and maybe cry. Excuse me for a minute.

Magestic Bird of Prey for your End Table

Because I am your national bird sucker. I can spot a field mouse 78.7 miles away and I choose to let it go. That's just how I roll. I'll toy with you because I can. You're a richer man if you've seen me fly...so says John Denver. I'm a damn national icon. Know your place.

I am a Mystery, a Peacock of Desire

Because when you look into the bird on my face you feel like you're in Cirque Du Soleil. Don't you feel the enigma of my glare?

At the Beginning of the Day, We Just Want to Blend

Because waking up sucks. Why not remind yourself that things are more awesome if they are blended. Case in point: ice cubes. They are way better blended in things. This thing has those awesome little light-as-air styro balls in it. You know the kind that sort of stick to everything. Remind me of Dippin' Dots. Yummy! It's so cute it doesn't even matter that you will have no idea how to set the clock or alarm!

Hedgehogs are Dying Because of Mickey D's!

Because anyone who is anyone loves a hedgehog. You don't know this but heart disease is a serious problem for the hedgehog. It's probably because of modern life and such. Encouraging a hedgehog to eat fruit is a really good thing. So not only is this cute, it's educational and sort a "lead by example" kind of product. Yeah...that's all I have to say. Tell your hedgehogs to lay off the beef.

Your Car Stinks Dude

Because having a smelly airfreshener in the car that doesn't really cover up any smell is funny. Get it! It's like Batman and Robin funny! Kaplow bitches, my car smells not-so-bad but at least I'm trying!

You Need a Special Pen to Shoot Rubber Bands

Because when you want to try to take the eye out of the student next to you, you can't use a regular pen. You need one specifically made for such an occasion. When things have one clear purpose the world runs more smoothly. A place for everything and everything in its place. Do not use this pen for any other reason...just gets confusing.

Something you'd Know if you weren't a Heathen

Because learning about the bible is better when done in figurine form. Once there was an angel and he was good. The demon naked man looked at him sideways so he stepped right on his head. Moses passed this story down from the Mountain of Mirth on an tablet that was backlit. Crap was hard to read at night.

Under No Circumstances are you to Wish me a Happy Birthday!

Because some people just don't get it. When you say you don't want a party, you freaking mean it. For those inconsiderate people that would dare bring you a present, tell you they're glad you were born, or express some sort of desire for you to have a happy year...there's this flag. And really, if those people don't get it from this, cut them out. Because those people are not your friends.

Grandpa on the Toilet is what Made this Country Strong!

Because the special moments in life are what tend to end up on little plaques that you can hang on the wall. As we age we spend more time on the things that are important because we know that time is running out. So these plaques represent the meaning of life in a way.

There are Angels Among Us...shhhh!

Because this cherub is innocence. Remember when you were born, without sin and it was so breathtaking? It's a reminder that love exists and secrets and you don't need both arms to be a great statue. You just need one finger pressed gently against your little angel lips. Shhh...do you hear that? It's love from above. Don't speak. If the Michelin man and the Stay Puft Marshmellow man adopted a baby (they're allowed to do that now) it would be an angel from heaven above just like this.

My Lips are Destined for Yours

Because this shit was determined a long time ago when movies like Clash of the Titans (the real one, Liam) were being made. Use lip gloss meant for your astrological sign and you'll kiss someone you're compatible with. Again, this is a time saver. As an added bonus, it probably tastes like a flavor related to your sign. Like if you're a Pisces it will smell like the bottom of a fishing boat or Petland Discounts. Pretty sweet.

Bunnies Are Good for the Planet

Because it's the Year of the Bunny! And that means you're going to make lots of money and be happy and everything is going to be awesome. This thing is a bank as well! So not only are you basically supporting the WWF and all furry creatures by having this thing, you're being fiscally responsible!

I'm Actually a Wizard. No really! This is a Disguise Yo!

Because magic and wizardry is vital to the mental health of like half of the world. I mean Harry Potter is just part of this. Wizards are real. If you have a wizard figurine it's like having one of those Mason buttons that people wear on their jacket. You can find them and they can find you.

Dinosaurs Love Vending Machines!

Because these little balls that are half clear and half colorful plastic are what childhood dreams are made of. Remember all the cool things you've gotten out of a machine? Like sticky things and bouncy things and little things that look like other little things. Surely you have each and every single one stashed away on the shelf of your childhood home. They're keepsakes. And keepsakes last forever.

Kiss my Tinkery Foot

Because every little girl wants to get lip gloss from a foot.

On the Island of Sumatra Solitary Beasts Gather at Water Sources in Harmony

Because on the island of Sumatra (the tiger's only island home) the only way for a thirsty tiger to hydrate is at a well. Water is scarce, even though it's an island. Tigers hang out together (it's very rare) and they drink water. It's really quite beautiful and so it's no wonder that one would want a physical representation of such a special moment.

Ben Franklin was Light Years Behind on the Straw

Because there is no reason to drink straight from a cup. I mean...do you have money to whiten your teeth once a month? Of course not! Straws, especially ones in awesome colors, are basically a necessity of life. Toddlers can't hold cups and really why should we even try to force them? Forget that. Ben Franklin had wooden teeth or something. Shoulda had a straw.

Happy Tiny Stool for Children!

Because kids need to stand on things and sit on things and have things in the living room that you can trip over. And they want it in a fun color. So there's that.

Pursuit of Modern Women!

Because modern women purchase headbands in packaging to do modern things to their contemporary faces. Or maybe if you want to snag a modern woman you will gift her a headband.

Lady, Can you See that I'm on my Break Here?

Because the boys in blue can take a joke. Get it? Policemen love donuts. Hahaha. It's classic! Respect the uniform, respect the donut.

Bow Down to Your Leader

Because native americans had the right idea. The wolf should be respected and worshipped and you should worship things in pewter. Silver colored busts of wild animals scream, "I love mother nature." Your inner spirit animal wants to be seen.

Don't Say a Word Against My 'Stache

Because children want to look awesome. Period. Multiply one awesome 'stache by every kid in the country = Magnum eat your heart out.

Who Needs Pollen?

Because when you work in a little ugly cube, sometimes fake little pots of flowers are the only thing that makes life worth living. You have no idea the number of sad people whose lives have been saved by a 1 inch tall fake flower in a little fake pot.

Hold the Phones, The King of Pop has to Poop

Because when someone is a musical genius it's only natural to want to immortalize them in dog journal form.

OR

Because when your dog resembles a timeless icon, he deserves some recognition of his own.

Magnet Mania Might be Mandatory

Because just thinking about the time when magnets on the fridge wasn't a thing makes you lose your appetite.

I'm a Libra - Don't you Know how Likable I am??? Look at My Damn Ears!

Because in this day and age of dating you shouldn't waste a minute. I mean...shouldn't he know right away if you're compatible? Not recommended for Geminis.

Kiss Moe, he's yours!

Because a four inch badly embroidered pillow is just what your lady wants. Sure, she can't lay her face on it...but so what. Maybe you can use it for a puppy. A puppy named Moe!

No Gift Worth Giving Comes Without a Gift Bag

Because really, the gift bag is actually more important than the gift. In other words, you're a horrible friend/brother/mother/sister/wife/husband/neice/nephew/student/suck-up without putting your gift in tissue and then a gift bag. Also, without those little string handles carrying stuff is way too complicated.

Spring Springs to Life

Because the bees are dying or something and fake flowers don't need those sting-serving little assholes anyway. I mean have you ever stepped on a bee? They are such little jerks. Fake flora is the way to go, yo!

Easter Means Lots of Candy in Plastic Stuff

Because it's almost Easter and one of the holiest things about Easter is all the candy that you can eat. Like those Cadbury egg things. Man those things are good. If I had enough of these containers I could stock up on a year supply. Because Cadbury is stingy with those eggs...jerks.

Anything for your Dog is Necessary

Because dogs need to eat every single day. They're your best friend. And also they're way smarter than cats. With a little training they will be able to recognize that this is their spoon and will even get it out of the drawer for you.

Babies are Often Very Very Creepy

Because babies serve a purpose...if not for babies there would be no cake. There would be no birthdays! Get it?? What would we celebrate? These things can go on cupcakes too, which is because of babies as well.

Springy Puppy Coil Clocky Thingy

Because when you work in an office you buy things like a puppy clock face thingy that doesn't even have a suction cup to suck it to your desk. You just do. It keeps you happy in your cube, ok?!

Suck it Natalie!

Because this thing is at least edible. Take that Portman!

Middle-Aged 3D Cheer Mug

Because you have school spirit and you want to show it. And your mom used to be a cheerleader and this reminds you of her.

Glowing Orb of Kitty Death

Because when you're reading Jane Eyre at night you want to do it by the light of two cats and a white glowing orb.

Self Defense for your Keys

Because if you have a house, you need an automatic weapon keychain to hold your keys. It's called being King of Your Castle bitches.

I Think it Moves or Something

Because _________________. What the hell is this thing?

I'll go to Tara and Shop for Ugly Wedding Favors

Because a dozen southern-bell type wedding favors... oh screw it these are just ugly.

They Wish they had this on the Prairie!

Because a 3-inch lamp with a sequin shade is not only gorgeous but will clearly put out a lot of light so you can read such books as Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre.

It's My Party and I'll Pollute if I Want to!

Because a party is NOT a party unless you eat a Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake with pretty-colored plastic utensils that you never ever have to use again.

Hail to the Chief Bobble!

Because the proper way to appreciate a POTUS is to make a bobble head figurine of him.

Mommy, Can I have my Sghetti on a Big Apple Plate?

Because plates don't need to serve the purpose of being a resting place for food. Sometimes they just look cool.

In the Business of Makin' Monkeys

Because colorful hanging monkeys add to the decor of any doorknob. And they love NYC so you should love them too, clearly.

Sittin' in Money

Because when you're on the pot, you want to feel like you're in the money. And one day when you're doing laundry you might need to bust this thing up for some quarters.

A "Spikey" Chick that Lights up

Because squishy balls are not just for little kids to germify at the Museum of Science. They can also light up and look like ducks. And that is why people like you get up in the morning.