Put a Million of Me Back Together

Because when I want to decorate my mantle, I want people to know I like eggs and Humpty Dumpty, and I like my Humpty Dumpty to be suave. This guy isn't going to fall down. Is it me or is he like Jack Lemon meets Dracula?

Billy Idol Taught us that Faceless Children are the Way of the Future

Because little figures of faceless children remind us that the future is what we make of it and that having a brother that dresses exactly like you will not screw you up as an adult. It's not creepy or weird to own a figurine of faceless children, dressed alike, holding hands and looking at each other without eyes. You don't even need eyes to see the soul of a child. Not even if you're a child yourself. It's the child's blank slate of a face/soul that matters. Steven Spielberg and John Landis each own this very figurine, gifted to them in 1983 by the late, great Dan Aykroyd. And when Billy Idol sang a song about some old french movie called Les Yeux Sans Visage, he knew that he was called to help children all over the world -- including French children, even if they are corrupt. Buy this and you'll be saying you believe the children are the future. Edit: So, it occurred to me that these things aren't "Eyes without a face at all... it's like a head without a face. Whatever. (June 22, 2012)

This Thing was So Gigantic...

Because cows make ice cream and should be thanked profusely with 2 feet tall lifelike models! This is the perfect addition to any guest room.

Magestic Bird of Prey for your End Table

Because I am your national bird sucker. I can spot a field mouse 78.7 miles away and I choose to let it go. That's just how I roll. I'll toy with you because I can. You're a richer man if you've seen me fly...so says John Denver. I'm a damn national icon. Know your place.

Something you'd Know if you weren't a Heathen

Because learning about the bible is better when done in figurine form. Once there was an angel and he was good. The demon naked man looked at him sideways so he stepped right on his head. Moses passed this story down from the Mountain of Mirth on an tablet that was backlit. Crap was hard to read at night.

There are Angels Among Us...shhhh!

Because this cherub is innocence. Remember when you were born, without sin and it was so breathtaking? It's a reminder that love exists and secrets and you don't need both arms to be a great statue. You just need one finger pressed gently against your little angel lips. Shhh...do you hear that? It's love from above. Don't speak. If the Michelin man and the Stay Puft Marshmellow man adopted a baby (they're allowed to do that now) it would be an angel from heaven above just like this.

I'm Actually a Wizard. No really! This is a Disguise Yo!

Because magic and wizardry is vital to the mental health of like half of the world. I mean Harry Potter is just part of this. Wizards are real. If you have a wizard figurine it's like having one of those Mason buttons that people wear on their jacket. You can find them and they can find you.

Lady, Can you See that I'm on my Break Here?

Because the boys in blue can take a joke. Get it? Policemen love donuts. Hahaha. It's classic! Respect the uniform, respect the donut.

Why Make This?

Because every dining room needs a may-or-may-not-be-injured elephant figurine.