After a hiatus we are BACK to answer the burning question, "Why Make This?"

Someone has to. 


Teddy Bear Picnic Relief for Back Crabs

Because we all have an itch that we can't scratch sometimes. And I don't mean for reasons related to saving face in public. You are so foul, readers. I mean because our arms are too short for our bodies. Hello! This BEAR CLAW scratcher is pretty freaking amazing. First of all it extends and then does the opposite of extending (damn if I can't think of what that word would be) so you can hide it in your pocket. It reaches like 22 inches. That means it is good for people up to 8 feet tall. It's science and design and engineering that makes stuff like this possible. Every itch you could possibly have (with the exception of the ones you don't want to share with the public) is like… relievable. Hey ROLAIDS, relief is spelled b-e-a-r-c-l-a-w. p.s. I don't know what the title of this post means but just go with it.


So this shoe will hold your crap wine. Or something

Because nothing says class like a $2 bottle of Wal-Mart's Oak Leaf Vineyard Cabernet Sauvigon on display on your kitchen island/breakfast bar in a fake, animal-print stiletto. You know the kind of breakfast bar we mean. You sit in the living room but you can see into the kitchen where you pretend to make okay dinners and stuff. Whatever. I'm off topic. LOOK AT THIS! It is gorgeous. I wish this was an actual shoe I could wear. But then I wouldn't have a spot for my wine. It's zebra print! And let's face it, the only heel worth wearing is at least 4.5 inches. Three inch heels are for legal secretaries… not corporate, real estate. The kind that chance from New Balance shoes when they get to the work into their Nine Westies. This thing is claaaaassssssss. Buy it. Buy two.


Get off Pinterest and start using a real woman's craft-maker

Because sometimes you have to have pride in what you can do and accept your limitations. Some people get on these home improvement sites (yea, you Apartment Therapy and your hipster sister Pinterest) and think they can build tables and extra bathrooms out of discarded shipping flats and stuff. Guess what, that stuff has had mice families living in it. You know what doesn't have mice living in it? Duct tape. Because mice would get stuck to it and then you'd have a mouse trap. You people need to appreciate good decorating and good construction and I don't know if you do. There is NOTHING that can't be made from duct tape, including wedding dresses. That girl who made a wallet, then went on to make a prom dress. And do you know who she is? Donna Karan. Or Karen, whatever we're not fashionistas around here, we speak real people words. Duct tape isn't just a power tool. It's a way of life. And THIS sign is hilarious. Look at the letters. They are made of duct tape. It's damn genius. And if you're really on top of things you can probably go ahead and tape this straight to the wall.


Butt cracks were meant for money collecting

Because this economy is a mess and banks are crooked. If you have to save your pennies, you might as well get a nice butt crack piggy bank for them. This bank is all about freedom. Freedom of expression, freedom to save money in comical ceramic banks. This is the American dream in novelty form. If you don't like it you an kiss my butt crack bank. Repeat after me: coinstar is a crock. Keep your ass crack stocked.


Help my fabric smell more like fake leather

Because there some smells you can't get enough of. And because some people don't have any money. And the first thing you sacrifice when you are "poor" is a good leather interior in your car. It's not right because smelling leather in a car is as American as McDonald's two-for-a-buck apple pies. I mean, fabric gets bed bugs and stuff. Poor people have to deal with stained fabric, and freaking bed bugs in their cars. THIS air freshener will save lives. You might be rich, so stop reading this because you just will never, ever understand. WE DEMAND LEATHER SMELL. The PEOPLE deserve it. Do you really want us to suffer all the time we commute to our jobs? Ha! Don't think we have jobs? Well, we sort of do. Just not good ones. And they're part time and we work for people younger than us and we don't get free coffee in the kitchen anymore. So SUCK it. Leather smell isn't too much to ask for.


God I get overheated reading your stupid FB posts

Because I hate being hot. And computers get hot. And there's something annoying about having to take my hoodie off if I get overheated. Do you understand that sometimes I don't freaking feel like putting myself into sleep mode so that I cool down? That's what a computer can do. Do I look like I can just check out if it's a few degrees too warm? NO. If I have to expend energy reading stuff online, then I am burning calories. My core temp is rising. I need to cool the heck down or I will sweat. If I sweat then I'll chafe. I don't know if I spelled chafe right but I'm too freaking hot to spell check. So I'm letting it go. I wouldn't have to do this if I wasn't hot. DAMN IT. I am aggravated over this heat. Get me this. I clearly need a computer fan. And not the kind that cools down the computer. The kind that will cool ME down. Ugh.


I would love you more if you smelled like Antonio Banderas

Because I can't stand for my significant other to smell like he just took a shower. I would much rather him smell like Antonio. The man is sex incarnate. He is everything you wish you were. Why wouldn't you want a little of his essence on your neck, behind your knees, and, if you pay attention to details, in your shoes. In fact, if your feet are a little stinky, spray some of this in there and, trust me, people WILL notice. They might not know where the smell is coming from, but they will respond. And you will be a God.

How Did We Make Meatloaf Before This

Because we are tired, and we've put up with it long enough. Why, for the love of the Earth, do we have to deal with meatloaf falling apart for one more family dinner? It has been an often ignored, but crucial issue for the American family unit. If I had a dime for every dinner ruined by my parents fighting as a DIRECT result of the meatloaf being less-than-perfect, I would have at least $.75. There was one time that I wasn't sure it was the meatloaf that was the issue, so I'm only giving that one $.5. Ah, but I digress. Look, I'm tired of meatloaves cooking unevenly too. This thing fixes that with special Swedish (yes, Swedes eat things other than meatballs) technology that circulates air to all the parts of the loaf. Or something like that. Whatever it does it makes a perfect loaf and it will save your marriage. So get it. Or don't and take your chances. If you're a fool that's your problem. If you're a vegetarian or vegan then you probably aren't married anyway so, yea be happy alone or whatever you do.


Fuzzy Toilet Seat for the Rich and Famous

Because it's your throne. You should have the same luxury on your bum and thighs that people like Paris Hilton and Madonna do. If you think that celebrities are sitting on hard plastic seats, or worse, wooden seats, you are out of your puny mind. This is especially good for toilets that "spray" when flushing. You've seen them. Sometimes little drops of water get on the seat and you have to wipe it off. This way you don't ever have to do that. The seat itself is absorbent. That's a plus, man. The dirty toilet water is instantly absorbed by the fabric. Also, this particular seat looks like river rocks. So, it's pretty zen. And gray is a neutral color; it will go with a lot of different types of decor. If you're into Feng Shui, you need this. It's just calming.


Crystal Tree Growing for Your Aches

Because growing plant-based plants is boring - takes for freakin' ever. And even if you manage to grow one (and it's hard to do, people) they aren't made of freakin' crystals! This crystal tree, which is in a variety of amazing colors, will grow in like an hour. Also, crystals last for a really long time. I don't know what kind of crystals these are, but I bet they have amazing healing properties. I want to get one of these trees to keep near my feet at work. Because my feet are achy from all the nonsensical walking I do. I just walk too damn much. I walk to the train AND back. And the only thing that will help is likely a tree of crystals.


Show Support for Mother Earth With Your Car Decorations

Because without this yield sign suction-cupped to your rear window how will anyone know you give the Earth the right-of-way? Each person you drive by is a potential Earth lover, so you will be spreading the message. You might want to plan extra trips to reach additional people. This is a really great gift item too, all your weird liberal friends will appreciate your thoughtful gift.


Not just a bowl, the future of cereal!

Because regular bowls make eating cereal archaic. Now there is a bowl with a straw built in that will let you drink the leftover milk. There is a significant vitamin D deficit in the country, kids and women are falling down and breaking things all the time. This bowl is the answer. Don't tell me that milk is gross or just for baby cows. You don't know what you're talking about. But really, this isn't good just for cereal. If, for example, you've boiled some potatoes and eat some and then have some leftover boiled potato water... you can just drink it up with the straw. It will help you stay hydrated and you'll be less wasteful. This is not meant to replace a regular bowl. They are still somewhat useful.


Keep Psycho Critters Away with Sound

Because sometimes cats and other creatures think they can just stroll into your space. Oh no, they don't! They step one little paw on your pumpkin patch and BOOM!, they are blasted with a new technology utilized by this ultrasonic animal chaser. It makes a sound that you can't hear, but, trust me it is making it because the box says it is. And those evil kittens and bunnies and baby raccoons hate it. Unless they are deaf and can't hear this new technology. And if they are deaf, then you're going to have to find some other method of keeping some mongrel stray out of your 2000 feet of space (if your yard is bigger than that you need to buy more than one of these.) I would guess there is a new ultraviolet light chaser just waiting to be invented. Animals don't like the color red. So maybe hook up a flashlight with a red gel taped to it for your tomato vines. No word on if this works on neighbor kids with really good hearing. And, let's face it, you're going to get rabies if you don't buy this. No non-rabid animal would want to walk into a garden. Look at the box, people. Be smart.


Everything you need to know about me you can learn from my beer cozy

Because it's not enough to let your beverage speak for you, you need a cozy to really get your personality across. This one is not only super clever, it's obviously functional. It's science. The square root of how long it takes to consume one Bud divided by the outside temperature in degrees (fahrenheit - because that is the only proper temperature measurement), multiplied by the rectangular parallelepiped of the lawn chair you are sitting in, and you arrive at the major axis of a hyperbola that proves a cold beverage will stay cold 4 seconds longer when it's in a cozy. I learned that from Hank, Jr. at Super Bowl XIXXVIIVX. But the most important feature of this particular cozy is its wisdom. See, you need to maintain dignity at all times. This cozy is no joke. If you have to explain your silly alcohol-fueled injury to someone in a uniform, this cozy is for nothing. And that would be a real tragedy.


Put a Million of Me Back Together

Because when I want to decorate my mantle, I want people to know I like eggs and Humpty Dumpty, and I like my Humpty Dumpty to be suave. This guy isn't going to fall down. Is it me or is he like Jack Lemon meets Dracula?


Who Needs the Glycemic Index Anyway?

Because until we go pants-less (suck it France we have some morals here, ok?) we need to think ahead. Our greatest asset is finding ways around doing things that are not fun and/or healthy, i.e. eating right, etc. We're a stressed out nation with cortisol flowing like water through our endocrine system. If we go up a size in our jeans it's actually better for the planet to not buy another pair! It's ecosmart to just expand the waist of the ones we already have. It's a freakin' win-win situation. These are especially handy on holidays. Don't know about you but we've increased our waistline by 2-3 inches in an hour or so from Thanksgiving alone.


I'm Picking Up Good Vibrations But Only For 6 Minutes at a Time

Because some people are home alone on Friday nights and they want to hold a vibrating weight in their hands to tone up. And there is nothing wrong with it! Nothing! FYI, to get what you need only requires 6 minutes a day! So long Bally's we don't need your stinking hour long fitness classes meant to help us live longer. We are Americans, pressed for time! We want to vibrate for a few minutes and move on with our days. We've all seen the Shake Weight and we all want it. The End.


Cutting Things Up Takes Too Much Time Away From Eating

Because cutting things up takes up time we could use to eat stuff. I don't know about you, but I don't have that extra 15 seconds it takes to cut my brownie. And if you ask me to cut something into a perfect rectangular shape then I'll tell you where you can go. I know what you're thinking: making things uniform is Marxist. But think of the children at school. Aren't we supposed to treat everyone alike? Everyone's brownie should be the exact same size. This pan combo doesn't make edges like that other "S" shaped pan out there... but it does the next best thing. You get two parts... not just the "cutty" part of the pan, you also get a whole new regular-looking pan. So if you already had a regular pan you just get one more. We suggest throwing the old pan away because it's not made to pair up with the cutty part. A cluttered house is gross so you should just toss the extra one if you can.

Holidays are Fun... Until the Planet Pukes on You.

Because disposable holiday-themed junk is the only thing keeping society together. Now go out, get a teeny tiny pint to wear around your neck and have a great one! Happy St. Patty's Day!