Who Needs the Glycemic Index Anyway?

Because until we go pants-less (suck it France we have some morals here, ok?) we need to think ahead. Our greatest asset is finding ways around doing things that are not fun and/or healthy, i.e. eating right, etc. We're a stressed out nation with cortisol flowing like water through our endocrine system. If we go up a size in our jeans it's actually better for the planet to not buy another pair! It's ecosmart to just expand the waist of the ones we already have. It's a freakin' win-win situation. These are especially handy on holidays. Don't know about you but we've increased our waistline by 2-3 inches in an hour or so from Thanksgiving alone.

I'm Picking Up Good Vibrations But Only For 6 Minutes at a Time

Because some people are home alone on Friday nights and they want to hold a vibrating weight in their hands to tone up. And there is nothing wrong with it! Nothing! FYI, to get what you need only requires 6 minutes a day! So long Bally's we don't need your stinking hour long fitness classes meant to help us live longer. We are Americans, pressed for time! We want to vibrate for a few minutes and move on with our days. We've all seen the Shake Weight and we all want it. The End.

Cutting Things Up Takes Too Much Time Away From Eating

Because cutting things up takes up time we could use to eat stuff. I don't know about you, but I don't have that extra 15 seconds it takes to cut my brownie. And if you ask me to cut something into a perfect rectangular shape then I'll tell you where you can go. I know what you're thinking: making things uniform is Marxist. But think of the children at school. Aren't we supposed to treat everyone alike? Everyone's brownie should be the exact same size. This pan combo doesn't make edges like that other "S" shaped pan out there... but it does the next best thing. You get two parts... not just the "cutty" part of the pan, you also get a whole new regular-looking pan. So if you already had a regular pan you just get one more. We suggest throwing the old pan away because it's not made to pair up with the cutty part. A cluttered house is gross so you should just toss the extra one if you can.

Finally, an Easier Way to Crack Open Eggs!

Because we like pastries here in the US of A! And it's very difficult to make a good pastry without eggs, no matter what your vegan coworker says. She's anti-brownie but you don't have to be! Vegans are destroying the planet with their anti-egg crazy... but that's another story. Here's the thing: cracking eggs is nearly impossible. You have to like drop an egg on the floor to get that sucker to break. Once you finally get through that thick shell you're confronted with all kinds of hazards. It takes a near genius to figure out how to crack an egg without getting a piece of shell in the yolk. You know how many cake mixes I had to toss because of a piece of eggshell? Like two of them! It's ridiculous! Don't even start me on separating the white out. Thank Hey Zeus that the EZCracker has a special attachment that will do that for you. Now even your aunt with the giant man hands will be able to crack an egg easily. This thing was a long time coming.

Your Great Aunt Would Still Be Alive If You'd Got Her This... You're Awful

Because the FDA doesn't know squat about living your life to the fullest or what "may" give you endurance, etc. You don't need anyone other than yourself and this bracelet to help you prevent any disease or diagnose any disease (unless you believe in "doctors" and that whacky stuff called "medicine.") Basically you wear this thing and everything wrong with you just goes away including no-good husbands. And you become a runner... don't ask why, it just happens. You start wanting to run all over. This thing is made of silicone and stainless steal, substances that were just meant to be paired together. You're a fool if you think you need diet and exercise to feel better than this adjustable bracelet will leave you feeling. A FOOL!