So this shoe will hold your crap wine. Or something

Because nothing says class like a $2 bottle of Wal-Mart's Oak Leaf Vineyard Cabernet Sauvigon on display on your kitchen island/breakfast bar in a fake, animal-print stiletto. You know the kind of breakfast bar we mean. You sit in the living room but you can see into the kitchen where you pretend to make okay dinners and stuff. Whatever. I'm off topic. LOOK AT THIS! It is gorgeous. I wish this was an actual shoe I could wear. But then I wouldn't have a spot for my wine. It's zebra print! And let's face it, the only heel worth wearing is at least 4.5 inches. Three inch heels are for legal secretaries… not corporate, real estate. The kind that chance from New Balance shoes when they get to the work into their Nine Westies. This thing is claaaaassssssss. Buy it. Buy two.

Not just a bowl, the future of cereal!

Because regular bowls make eating cereal archaic. Now there is a bowl with a straw built in that will let you drink the leftover milk. There is a significant vitamin D deficit in the country, kids and women are falling down and breaking things all the time. This bowl is the answer. Don't tell me that milk is gross or just for baby cows. You don't know what you're talking about. But really, this isn't good just for cereal. If, for example, you've boiled some potatoes and eat some and then have some leftover boiled potato water... you can just drink it up with the straw. It will help you stay hydrated and you'll be less wasteful. This is not meant to replace a regular bowl. They are still somewhat useful.

Cutting Things Up Takes Too Much Time Away From Eating

Because cutting things up takes up time we could use to eat stuff. I don't know about you, but I don't have that extra 15 seconds it takes to cut my brownie. And if you ask me to cut something into a perfect rectangular shape then I'll tell you where you can go. I know what you're thinking: making things uniform is Marxist. But think of the children at school. Aren't we supposed to treat everyone alike? Everyone's brownie should be the exact same size. This pan combo doesn't make edges like that other "S" shaped pan out there... but it does the next best thing. You get two parts... not just the "cutty" part of the pan, you also get a whole new regular-looking pan. So if you already had a regular pan you just get one more. We suggest throwing the old pan away because it's not made to pair up with the cutty part. A cluttered house is gross so you should just toss the extra one if you can.

Anything for your Dog is Necessary

Because dogs need to eat every single day. They're your best friend. And also they're way smarter than cats. With a little training they will be able to recognize that this is their spoon and will even get it out of the drawer for you.

It's My Party and I'll Pollute if I Want to!

Because a party is NOT a party unless you eat a Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake with pretty-colored plastic utensils that you never ever have to use again.

Half a Cup Saves Space

Because this serves a very important purpose. Not only can you have just half a cup, but it explains why it exists for you.

Real Grass is Yucky and has Bugs and Stuff

Because real grass is for assholes. And you have things that need to dry after you wash them and you love the planet so why on Earth would you not want to have a dishrack that pays homage to grass and nature and mother Earth, whom you love.

Help! I Can't Eat My Corn Without a Plastic Corn CobbR Thingy!

Because using a knife is dangerous. How can people be expected to eat corn not-on-the-cob if we don't have this thing to decob that sucker?