Everything you need to know about me you can learn from my beer cozy

Because it's not enough to let your beverage speak for you, you need a cozy to really get your personality across. This one is not only super clever, it's obviously functional. It's science. The square root of how long it takes to consume one Bud divided by the outside temperature in degrees (fahrenheit - because that is the only proper temperature measurement), multiplied by the rectangular parallelepiped of the lawn chair you are sitting in, and you arrive at the major axis of a hyperbola that proves a cold beverage will stay cold 4 seconds longer when it's in a cozy. I learned that from Hank, Jr. at Super Bowl XIXXVIIVX. But the most important feature of this particular cozy is its wisdom. See, you need to maintain dignity at all times. This cozy is no joke. If you have to explain your silly alcohol-fueled injury to someone in a uniform, this cozy is for nothing. And that would be a real tragedy.

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